My little Butterfly
We all new this was you coming to say hello. Thank you for your little signs. Love you baby girl and I miss you so much there is not a day that goes by I don't think of you. Until we meet again. XOXO love your Mommy
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MY BABY
This is why I founded B.W.W, I just hope that it in some way helps whom ever reads it and lets them know their not alone.
At 19 I became pregnant and I was very young and thought I knew it all...
I was so happy that I was becoming a mother I did everything right, I went to my Doctor, took my vitamins, stopped smoking cigarettes and all the bad things that could harm my baby. I was ready to be a mom, a good mom and the best mom I could be at 19 and remember I knew it all.
My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I had our own little place, a one bedroom rental but I knew we could make it work. I guess I was the only one who thought that way, everyone who knew me would say oh my you are so young you're going to ruin your life. A baby is so much work and you are to young. But I was 19 and knew it all. What do they know? Some even said do you know you can abort it. MY FEELING WAS THAT THIS IS MY BABY NO WAY!! I knew I could never do that to my baby I was supposed to have my baby. Even my boyfriend had doubts, he would say we are young and not ready for a baby it can really mess things up. But me at the old age of 19 and knowing everything I said I am ready for are baby and WE are going to have this baby so, the months went by and I was happy (I think I was the only one happy about my baby coming.)
I loved knowing that life was growing inside of me, and that little butterfly feeling. Then on December 10, 1999 I was going to have my first ultrasound and couldn't wait to find out if it was a girl or boy. So I went to the appointment alone and was talking to the very nice tech and she was looking over the picture on the screen and there was my little baby, so tiny with a little heartbeat. I saw tiny little fingers and toes and was in my glory. Suddenly the tech became very quite and looked puzzled. She finished up with me and asked me to wait here for her, which seemed like forever. Then finally she came back with my pictures. The first pictures of my baby, she handed them to me and said that she called my doctor and he was on his way here and to wait for him. OK, AGAIN 19 and knew it all. So I sat waiting for my doc to show up and an hour later he showed up and asked me to come to his office in a back room. Now I was a little worried, but still this must just be a normal thing that he does with all his patients.
We sat down and on his desk was my file and my pictures of my little baby. He asked if I was here alone and when I told him yes he wanted to call my mother and boyfriend.
At this time I knew this was not a normal thing and I was freaking out. When my mom finally got there a half an hour went by. My boyfriend was out of town and would not be back until the next day. As I sat there it seemed that time and the world stopped. My mom and I held hand as my doctor told me that my baby had a mass on it's neck and he was not sure what it was. He wanted me to go for some tests to see what it was, I thought to myself everything will be fine this has to be a mistake, MY BABY IS FINE. I went the next morning to the medical center for some test and after every test there was another test 2 weeks later and 10 test later I was back at my doctor for all the results and it was the worst new anyone could ever hear. THAT DAY MY WORLD FELL APART, MY BABY was very sick and had no chances to live and the doctor really had no hope he told me that I had limited options, wait and have a full term baby or deliver early. I went home to think about what I should do??? I was lost and had no where to turn. MY BABY the one everyone told me I was too young to have was going to pass away and there was nothing I or anyone could do. I was angry at everyone who told me not to have MY BABY and feel into a black hole and just wanted to die.
I went into labor which was induced and very painful for hours. I remember sitting in that room feeling like this is not happening not MY BABY please God just let me keep MY BABY. Well at 1:09 AM I gave birth to my very little baby 11.5 oz and 27 1/2 cm, Yes very small!! MY BABY stopped growing at 5 months. As I held her in my arms just praying she would just take a breath, one breath please this can't be the end, MY BABY has to just breathe!! As I sat there watching MY BABY the one I wanted so bad was not moving or breathing just a little heart beat.
I can still remember putting my ear to my baby's chest just to listen to the little heart beat I would soon miss and give any thing to hear it again. For 15 minutes I held MY BABY until there was no more beating. As I began to cry and yell why me? Why my baby?WHY GOD? Why me? Please! I begged and pleaded with God, I will go to church and I will be a better person, I will I promise PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY BABY....
Leaving the hospital not pregnant and with out a big belly and NO BABY I was really scared, How can I get through this? How do I go on with life. A blurry 4 days later I buried MY LITTLE BABY on that very cold day. I said my last good bye and again asking God why me? Why my baby? I never did get an answer. For the next several months I was a mess crying, sleeping just not wanting to live anymore. Many days I would go to the grave and just sit there and wonder what now? I was 20 by this time and knew nothing. I remember asking God or should I say yelling at him (you have my baby and I have nothing.) That day I remember hearing,"you have so much, pick up the pieces and live your life. This is not the end but the beginning." I didn't want to hear that. I wanted to just have my baby with me. But the more I heard God say that to me the more I meditated on it I knew I had to learn to trust God and know that I was going to be O.K.
He would show me the way. But I knew it was not going to be easy. I had to put in the work even when I just wanted to stay in bed. I would talk to my baby and just listen to what I was hearing, "get up and live your life." It was hard but I went on to meet a wonderful place called H.O.P.E (helping other parents endure.) I had a long and very slow road ahead of me.
I was living again. I married my boyfriend (MY ROCK) and before I knew it I was having a baby again. WOW here we go again. I couldn't do this again. My Doctor sent me to a high risk Doctor who could handle my situation and I got my monies worth. I think I called his office ever other day and I was a mess, when I had my first ultrasound My family was there just in case but you know what everything was fine I was having a healthy baby boy, not that it made me any less nuts. I don't think I took a breath until I gave birth and that was the best day but bitter sweet. I miss my baby, but I knew this was a new start to do my best and to be the BEST mommy ever. I will always love and miss my beautiful baby girl and without her I would not be whom I am today and I wouldn't have an angel in heaven that watches over and protects her little brother.
MY DEAREST, Kat My baby girl, I love you and miss you and thank you for just the 15 minutes I had you with me. I want you to know that your little brother did not replace you. No one can ever replace you. You are mommy's little girl, Kat please keep watching over us and keeping us safe until we meet again, hugs and kisses, Love Mommy
P.S.
At night when everything is quite I can still hear your little heart beat next to my ear. I love you always.....
This is how I became a Broken Mom and it has made me stronger, I can stand up today a better person and I can move on living. I ask you what makes you a Broken Mom and how can I help you deal with the baby you lost, the one I know you loved very much..
thanks Candi xoxo
I created this website to assist you in your journey in reaching a happy and healthy life again I know you can do it. Even if you don't think so right now, Please know God loves you and he will carry you through it when your not able to walk, This is how I became a brokenmom and how I was able to pull though and live again. Thank you so much for reading this and know it is from my heart and I can only hope putting my life out there can help you move forward in yours.
Always there for you if needed please feel free to email me. babieswithwings@gmail.com
