This is Becky's story's about her babies with wings. I want to thank her for sharing it with us. This is a painful journey and I am very happy she has written this for us. All of are story's are different but the outcome is the same, When we share our story's we can each learn what has helped us heal with our loss. Thank you Becky.God bless you and your family.

Becky's Journey

Here’s my story……. 
   October, 1991, brought blessed news that my husband and I would be welcoming twins into our family, we were beyond excited.  These were to be my husbands’ first children, two little girls.  The pregnancy went well and then at 7 months I found I had gestational diabetes.  This wasn’t a surprise since I had the same condition with two other pregnancies but has been successful in controlling it with diet and exercise.  It was the same with this pregnancy as well.  I immediately started the diabetic diet, got plenty of walking and with three other children to care for; mine from a previous marriage, there was always lots to keep me busy.  The kids were so excited about having the babies and it was great to see them talk about what they would do to help.  It was a wonderful time for all of us.  We worked on the nursery, and so many friends surrounded us with love and support.   At 35 weeks, I went into labor and we went to the hospital.  The doctor I had chosen had been highly recommended, but he did not want to let me go through with labor, nor would he send me to a higher tertiary care hospital, his arrogance stood in the way.  To make a long story short, his decision cost me so very much.  He knew I was diabetic, and yet he took me off food, water, and wasn’t monitoring my sugar levels as he should and I went into akido acidosis and eventually a diabetic coma.  The babies perished.  This was the hardest thing we had been through either individually, or together, our children and family members were devastated.  The coma took a toll on me as well and after 3 weeks in ICU, seizures, and a stroke, I found myself facing the difficult task of going home with empty arms.  Together my husband and I vowed this would not put us under, and we clung to each other.  Our girls came and left this world on Father’s Day, 1992.
            I can honestly say our faith in God was what kept us going and we each grieved in our own way.  There were times when I wanted to give up, but my husband kept me going and knowing my children needed me helped too.  But, it was very, very hard.  We had many good friends that were there from the time we went into the hospital, until long after we came home.  It seemed that God knew when to have someone drop by, and many, many meals were brought from our church and these same friends.  I don’t think I could have made it without them.  Anyone going through this needs a network of friends and people to help them through it.

 My husband grieved differently from me, often keeping a lot to himself, or throwing himself into his work.  We did the best we could to talk and stay connected.  It just takes time.

That is something important to remember, husband, wife, and existing children will all grieve differently and each will take different lengths of time to come through the process.  Siblings need to receive counseling in order to ensure they are processing the grief and not feeling it was their fault, which tends to happen and my oldest daughter felt that way for quite a while,

even though we constantly tried to reassure her that it was in no way her fault.
  
It is a difficult rollercoaster ride, getting through the grief process, I read many books regarding the loss of a child, dealing with the grief, how to go forward after such an event –

The one thing I learned is that it takes time.

          One thing I found that helped me, was that when I saw an obituary in the newspaper for a baby that had passed, I wrote to that family, sending them my condolences and my prayers that they would know they were not alone.  I did this much time over the next year and it did help me to reach out to others.   I would include my phone number and many mothers called me and we would chat, they said they appreciated the notes.  It does help to know that you are not alone in your grief.

  My husband and I attended a meeting once of a local chapter of parents that had lost children. I was totally shocked when I walked in the room and saw so many parents that had been through what we were experiencing, many of them more than once.  It hit me square in the face – We were not alone!  Others were going through this too and it was not a personal affront to us as a couple, or as parents, these things happen.  It didn’t diminish the hurt, the pain we felt over losing our girls, or the loss of the dreams that we had for them, but it did help to know we were not alone.   We only went to one meeting, that we enough for us to have that realization in our minds.  Joining a support group is always a big help, and we had our church groups that helped through, though they weren’t specifically grief groups.  What ever works for you is what you should be; there is no definite script to get through the process.

  One thing that I feel is important for anyone going through this to know, you have to keep the lines of communication open between you and your spouse, or significant other that is going through this loss with you…you have to keep talking.  Tell each other when you are hurting and be there for each other.  I found that amazingly enough when I was down, my husband was up, and visa versa.  Counseling is always a good thing and very important, we did, and probably should have done more.  But talking with a professional and making sure you are taking care of yourself and each other is vital.

  I found that people don’t really know what to say when they talk to you about what you have been through, and sometimes the things they say can be hurtful.  It is difficult, but I had to let a lot of what was said roll off my back because it wasn’t what I needed to hear right then.  They meant well, but just couldn’t relate to what we were going through.  That is why it is important to find a group or people that have been through this to talk with you and comfort you.  Sometimes people would say it was ‘for the best’, or any number of other comments and it was difficult to not react defensively because how could it have been for the best?  It took a long time for me to realize they were really trying to help but just didn’t know what to say.

  We tried to use our experience to help others.  There were several occasions when someone we knew was expecting, had gestational diabetes, or other complications and were hesitant to ask their Doctor questions, for fear of seeming stupid…..ASK!  Don’t hesitate to ask, if your Doctor is too busy to answer, then find another Doctor.  You do not have to accept this kind of behavior and you have the right to have the best medical care possible.  Doctors are human too and sometimes they can be distracted, so wake them up to what it is you need.  Because we talked with several couples, their children were actually saved and that too gave us a feeling of something good coming from all our pain.

  It’s been 17 years since I held those precious girls in my arms and cried for the lives they would never have, the laughter I would never hear, the smiles that I would miss.  Again my faith tells me I will see them again some day, and that brings me peace.  But though it gets easier, their imprint is always on my heart.  I know it would be the same for everyone that suffers this kind of loss.

  We tried to do things in their honor that would leave a footprint on this earth, donations were made, trees were planted in their names, and much more.  You have to find what brings you
 
  peace and comfort, for each of us it will be different.  Be willing to reach out to others, and also be willing to allow others to reach out and comfort you when you need it.  It is a hole

   that will forever be in your heart, it gets easier in time to face the anniversary, to face the memories, but it will never go away.  My girls, Alexandria and Victoria, left their tiny footprints on my heart and I miss them every day.

 
  You can go on, there is life beyond the loss, and I pray that if you are going through this heartbreaking experience you will seek out a group or people that know what you are feeling, and allow them to help you.  As I said, you are not alone.  Please let me know if I can be of help.  There are many great publications out there to help you through the difficult days.


 

God Bless.
Becky M.

Kelly's  baby with wings....