Gender differences in grieving

Mothers and fathers may grieve in different ways. One parent may find talking helps, while the other may need quiet time to grieve alone. Cultural expectations and role differences also affect how men and women grieve. Men are often expected to control their emotions, to be strong, and to take charge of the family. Women may be expected to cry openly and to want to talk about their grief. A working father may become more involved in his job to escape the sadness and daily reminders at home. A stay-at-home mother may be surrounded by constant reminders and may feel devoid of purpose now that her job as caregiver has abruptly ended. This is especially true for a parent who spent months or even years caring for a child with cancer.

Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other's support the most. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that a lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less. It is important for parents to talk openly about their grief and for each parent to understand and accept the other's coping style.

Finding meaning in life

Parents report that they never really "get over" the death of a child, but rather learn to live with the loss. The death of a child can force parents to rethink their priorities and reexamine the meaning of life. It may seem impossible to newly grieving parents, but parents do go on to find happiness and reinvest in life again. An important step for many parents is to create a legacy for their child and make their child's life, no matter how short, have a more complete purpose. Parents may choose to honor their child by volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer support organization. Parents may work to support interests their child once had, start a memorial fund, or plant trees in their child's memory. It is important to remember that it is never disloyal to the deceased child to re-engage in life and to find pleasure in new experiences.

Every child changes the lives of his or her parents. Children show us new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways look to at the world. A part of each child's legacy is that the changes he or she brings to a family continue after the child's death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be a part of you.

Helping siblings who are grieving

Parents are the focus of attention when a child dies and the grief of siblings is sometimes overlooked. The death of a sibling is a tremendous loss for a child—they lose a family member, a confidant, and a life-long friend. Parents are often preoccupied with the needs of a sick child and then become overwhelmed with their own grief when the child dies. The surviving siblings may misinterpret the parents' grief as a message that they—rather than the child who died—would have been the parent's choice, or that they are not important enough to make life worth living for the parents.  suggestions for helping siblings understand and cope with grief. Parents can also help siblings in the following ways: Make grief a shared family experience and include children in discussions about memorial plans.


Spend as much time as possible with the surviving children—spend time talking about the deceased child, as well as time just playing together or doing something enjoyable.


Make sure siblings understand that they are not responsible for the child's death and help them let go of regrets and guilt.


Never compare siblings to the deceased child and make sure children know that you don't expect them to "fill in" for the deceased child.


Set reasonable limits on their behavior, but try not to be either overprotective or overly permissive. It is normal to feel protective of surviving children.


Ask a close family member or friend to spend extra time with siblings if your own grief prevents you from giving them the attention they need.
Helping yourself grief

Ask family and friends for help with housework, errands, and taking care of other children—this will give you important time to think, remember, and grieve.

Take time deciding what to do with your child's belongings—don't rush to pack up your child's room or to give away toys and clothes

Prepare ahead of time for how to respond to difficult questions like "How many children do you have?" or comments like "At least you have other children"—remember that people aren't trying to hurt you, they just don't know what to say.
Prepare ahead for how you want to spend significant days such as your child's birthday or the anniversary of your child's death—you may want to spend the day looking at photos and sharing memories or start a family tradition such as planting flowers.