What do you say? What can you do? Sometimes people stay away from grieving parents due to their own fear of loss or until they can think of the "perfect" thing to say. There is no "perfect" thing to say. Not one thing you say can heal the grief of losing a child.

Things you should avoid saying,

- It was God's will.

- It was meant to be or it was for the best.

- Your baby is in a better place now.

- Time heals all wounds.

- I know just how you feel. (unless, of course, you have experienced the loss of a baby)

- It's been ___amount of time and aren't you over it yet? It's time to get on with your life.

- At least you have other children/you can have other children.

- Now you will have an angel in heaven.

- It could have been worse...

It could not have been worse. Not to the grieving parent.

But please do not stay away. Not speaking about the loss does not lessen its reality. Bereaved parents need your loving support. Unfortunately, nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder than the reality of losing a child. Simply allowing a safe space for them to grieve without denying that grief is all that's required of you. Remember it is usually just the simple little things you say or do that mean so much.

"Who can I call for you? Let me help gather loving support around you."

"Cry when you need to because I know your tears are helping you grieve."


"This child was unique, special and irreplaceable. I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one."



"Talk to me, share your thoughts, feelings and memories of your baby. I know that you haven't forgotten your baby or your pain just because I'm afraid to mention it."

"When you've decided what you want to do with your baby's clothes, toys and furniture, I'll help you sort through it all. And if you need to cry, I'll bring the tissues."

"Let me take your baby's sibling to the park, read a story or tickle their toes. I know you don't feel like laughing or playing right now."

"I'm going to run errands now---is there anything I can pick up or do for you?

"Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal."

"There is no particular way you 'should' feel or things you 'should' do. There are no rules about how grieving should go."

"Don't worry about your baby's brothers and sisters at the funeral--I'll watch them and give them extra love and attention."

"I'll be over to pick up your baby's brother or sister to take them to school, Grandma's house, or to their soccer game--I'll even stay and cheer them on! And I'll listen to their feelings about losing a baby brother or sister. They need to know their world is safe even though yours doesn't feel that way right now."

"I'll help fill out medical forms, walk the dog, pay bills or answer the phone. I understand that it's hard to deal with the mundane details of life right now."

"I know it seems like a long time, but you don't have to 'get over' the loss of your baby on any time table. You'll feel better when you do and I'll still be here."

"Tell me more about your pregnancy and your baby...I'm interested and I'm not tired of hearing the same stories. I know sometimes you need to keep going over those events until they seem real and more tolerable."

"Wasn't it a year ago that you lost your baby? How about we go for a walk or out to lunch. And I'll remember this day next year and the year after."

"How are you doing today? If you don't feel like answering the phone, I'll just leave a message to let you know that I love you and was thinking about you. I'm sure you'll return my call when you feel up to it."

"I've found a list of local support groups in your community, synagogue or church and I'll take you if you'.

Myths and Facts About Grief MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Source: Center for Grief and Healing